When I was younger, I used to express my thoughts in words unobstructedly. I always thought that my mind was such an interesting place where curiosity and inquisition were affordable commodities at that age, something I thought I can no longer afford today. I was always in a summoning mode and my thoughts were easily provoked by even the most mundane motions on Earth.
A few years later, this ability to create a story or to simply translate what my eyes saw into phrases and paragraphs have become harder to a point that I almost consider it daunting every time I self-mandate to make my thoughts tangible. Have I become apathetic about the world and less interested about finding something profounder than what meets the eye? Or have I been consumed by what modern day living has boxed us with that it has made me deviate from my constant quest for self-awareness.
The world has demanded me a routinary way of life from earning a living, living a lifestyle that is inclined towards better health, trying to find my ground after migrating in a completely new environment and all the commitments and responsibilities in between that when accumulated altogether takes away a significant portion of your day and your mind- most importantly. When things are so hectic around, I sometimes downgrade and deprioritise what identifies me as an individual in exchange of a convenience of either procrastination or other ‘more’ important things to do. To each his own, but I always thought that my ability to see things deeply was my way of setting myself apart because it is through this knack that I am able to fuel my creative outlets. And to me, holding on to that flair is as important as food for the body.
A couple of years after and a lot of self-convincing, I finally realised that if I wanted to meet the same person I used to be, I had to tweak a few things albeit these aren’t the easiest to face. Alas, I had to let go of what may have unconsciously slowed me from taking that extra step to know further than what I already knew about the world around me. I had to fight the habit of setting aside these questions at a more convenient time, I had to pull myself off from the acquired passive and oblivious state of mind. I had to begin questioning, of thinking what lies ahead after taking the step forward, I had to reignite my urge to ask and battle it out if I do not hear what I thought was right – not because I wanted to win debates but because summoning answers allow me to know and understand more, even if at times that means that my established beliefs will have to be put unguarded. But ultimately, questioning makes me feel alive.
When I thought curiosity and inquisition were now considered luxuries, I look back and eager to prove myself wrong. It isn’t. It’s just one of the goods we choose to disregard at a time where our minds deceive us that we can only do so much. So I began placing myself in situations where I am triggered to raise a question mark. I engage into conversations where I challenge myself to decipher something from – that of which is a difficult task in itself. Surround myself and develop bonds with people who I know will reinforce a forward compulsion on me. I finally listened to what I am feeling inside and allow that emotion speak for itself by understanding and documenting the whole process of knowing why.
Have I met the person I used to be? Somehow. But it feels like I am in the process of getting to know him again, and although it is strange and laborious, it is beautiful.