Thursday, June 16, 2016

"To gain everything, you must first lose everything"

I found myself staring at the top of the chiffonier which hoisted the trophies I earned growing up.

It was past two in the morning, after a few weeks of literally having nothing to do, my body has turned the wee hours of the night as the busiest of my day. Where my mind enters its most active state, bringing me to different realms of imagination - both realistic and fantasies. 

For a couple of minutes, I was just staring at those fancy ornaments I have collected from various contests I participated, suddenly I caught myself smiling. I looked closely on the golden plates that were attached at the foot of every trophy, each plate was a label of what I have earned. Plates that reminded of how it was and how I was back then. It was the moment that I have found myself, after a long while, to begin writing again. 

I was full of talent as a little boy. I knew then that I was unlike any other, I was at its urest definition, amazing, modesty aside. I was far off from being mundane and my mind was set to never be one, my thoughts have always been full of ideas, exactly why I earned every right to represent on various competitions; photography, arts, speech, civic, culture, I had everything on my belt. Time has flickered right in front of me, like a flash of a camera, I started to grow up. Then the once a little boy has learned how to be a fine young man, with demeanor that of a scholar, with manners that of a well-bred gentleman and with language that of a conservative fellow. 

Surrounding me were people who are great at what they do, equally talented individuals who inspired me to hone my own, a family who pushed me to become better everyday and so I achieved all the rights that I can brag, mentors who always thought I was going far, really far. 

I had gone far. All the talents and the diligence I have nurtured as a young boy all was given credit to the ethics I had when I started working, the value I gave at what I do is a reflection of my rigorous and strict training back then. My career went on full swing at a relatively young age, I was at my best. 

I turned into a stage where I felt like I could conquer the world. 

I started to prioritize what I wanted to have, everything else came in secondary. As a young man, I fantasized the independence I have long sought for, the chance to prove to the world that I can now be on my own. I wanted  every aspect in life to be filled up, money, career, relationship.

But when you're at the top, like a mountain peak, from there, it is going to be downhill. 

I was blinded by greed, by wanting to rapidly accelerate having the things I wanted to have. Blinded by the illusions that I need to be aggressive of the moment so I can get to where I wanted to be as quickly as I can. Blinded by too much optimism that I can conquer the world. Too much blindness that it has made me forego of what I have and instead, shifted my focus on what I wanted to have. 

Like a snowball rolling down from the top of the mountain, things have started to intensify and everything was down the slope. In exchange of the earthly and fleeting pleasures that I wanted to have, I went to see beyond what I already posses. In the end, everything I wanted to have turned out unworthy of the reckless leap I made.

In wanting to have everything, I lost everything.  

And now my plate is empty, but as the Buddha said, to gain everything, you must first lose everything. 

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