Friday, July 5, 2019

Meeting myself again



When I was younger, I used to express my thoughts in words unobstructedly. I always thought that my mind was such an interesting place where curiosity and inquisition were affordable commodities at that age, something I thought I can no longer afford today. I was always in a summoning mode and my thoughts were easily provoked by even the most mundane motions on Earth. 

A few years later, this ability to create a story or to simply translate what my eyes saw into phrases and paragraphs have become harder to a point that I almost consider it daunting every time I self-mandate to make my thoughts tangible. Have I become apathetic about the world and less interested about finding something profounder than what meets the eye? Or have I been consumed by what modern day living has boxed us with that it has made me deviate from my constant quest for self-awareness.

The world has demanded me a routinary way of life from earning a living, living a lifestyle that is inclined towards better health, trying to find my ground after migrating in a completely new environment and all the commitments and responsibilities in between that when accumulated altogether takes away a significant portion of your day and your mind- most importantly. When things are so hectic around, I sometimes downgrade and deprioritise what identifies me as an individual in exchange of a convenience of either procrastination or other ‘more’ important things to do. To each his own, but I always thought that my ability to see things deeply was my way of setting myself apart because it is through this knack that I am able to fuel my creative outlets. And to me, holding on to that flair is as important as food for the body.  

A couple of years after and a lot of self-convincing, I finally realised that if I wanted to meet the same person I used to be, I had to tweak a few things albeit these aren’t the easiest to face. Alas, I had to let go of what may have unconsciously slowed me from taking that extra step to know further than what I already knew about the world around me. I had to fight the habit of setting aside these questions at a more convenient time, I had to pull myself off from the acquired passive and oblivious state of mind. I had to begin questioning, of thinking what lies ahead after taking the step forward, I had to reignite my urge to ask and battle it out if I do not hear what I thought was right – not because I wanted to win debates but because summoning answers allow me to know and understand more, even if at times that means that my established beliefs will have to be put unguarded. But ultimately, questioning makes me feel alive.

When I thought curiosity and inquisition were now considered luxuries, I look back and eager to prove myself wrong. It isn’t. It’s just one of the goods we choose to disregard at a time where our minds deceive us that we can only do so much. So I began placing myself in situations where I am triggered to raise a question mark. I engage into conversations where I challenge myself to decipher something from – that of which is a difficult task in itself. Surround myself and develop bonds with people who I know will reinforce a forward compulsion on me. I finally listened to what I am feeling inside and allow that emotion speak for itself by understanding and documenting the whole process of knowing why.

Have I met the person I used to be? Somehow. But it feels like I am in the process of getting to know him again, and although it is strange and laborious, it is beautiful.

There but not there yet


Four months. More than four months.

It wasn’t until four months after I made what could have been the biggest moment of my life that I began writing again. My mind has his world of his own, he writes freely when he pleases but never when I command him to do so.

I have always thought that moving and starting a new life would reignite my urge to render the thoughts in my mind into playful words, but only after dozens of weeks, at a moment when I’m weary and tired and poisoned from devouring fast food totally disregarding the mindful effort to remain healthy the past few months, just when my brain is momentarily dead that my thoughts began to function.

I was staring at a glass of tasteless tea when I suddenly had a flashback of my first view outside the window while the airplane was landing. A couple of hours before that moment, I could vividly see an image of myself onerously pulling my trolleys at the airport, consciously preventing my tears from dwindling down as I kiss my old folks before I boarded my flight. I have a love and hate relationship with airports but this is by far my most grueling airport stint. 

How far have I really gone from that moment? Not that far to be honest.

But it doesn’t really matter how far you’ve left behind, what matters is how close you are to your goal. I’ve been in so many occasions, detoured painfully, when all I ever wanted was to get to the top and get a three sixty view of how magnificent this world really is. But as cliché as it may sound, the best route isn’t always the straight line ahead, the curves and long rides allow us to remember and understand why we dream the dream.

Looking back at the time when my seat belt was fastened aboard that calm flight, strangely different from the turbulence I was feeling inside, I remember telling myself to always trust the process. Today, four months after, I continue to trust the process until I finally understand why that process had to be the way. 

06/12/19