When I was younger, I used to
express my thoughts in words unobstructedly. I always thought that my mind was
such an interesting place where curiosity and inquisition were affordable
commodities at that age, something I thought I can no longer afford today. I
was always in a summoning mode and my thoughts were easily provoked by even the
most mundane motions on Earth.
A few years later, this ability
to create a story or to simply translate what my eyes saw into phrases and
paragraphs have become harder to a point that I almost consider it daunting
every time I self-mandate to make my thoughts tangible. Have I become apathetic
about the world and less interested about finding something profounder than
what meets the eye? Or have I been consumed by what modern day living has boxed
us with that it has made me deviate from my constant quest for self-awareness.
The world has demanded me a routinary
way of life from earning a living, living a lifestyle that is inclined towards
better health, trying to find my ground after migrating in a completely new environment
and all the commitments and responsibilities in between that when accumulated altogether
takes away a significant portion of your day and your mind- most importantly.
When things are so hectic around, I sometimes downgrade and deprioritise what identifies
me as an individual in exchange of a convenience of either procrastination or
other ‘more’ important things to do. To
each his own, but I always thought that my ability to see things deeply was my
way of setting myself apart because it is through this knack that I am able to
fuel my creative outlets. And to me, holding on to that flair is as important
as food for the body.
A couple of years after and a lot
of self-convincing, I finally realised that if I wanted to meet the same person
I used to be, I had to tweak a few things albeit these aren’t the easiest to
face. Alas, I had to let go of what may have unconsciously slowed me from taking
that extra step to know further than what I already knew about the world around
me. I had to fight the habit of setting aside these questions at a more
convenient time, I had to pull myself off from the acquired passive and
oblivious state of mind. I had to begin questioning, of thinking what lies
ahead after taking the step forward, I had to reignite my urge to ask and
battle it out if I do not hear what I thought was right – not because I wanted
to win debates but because summoning answers allow me to know and understand
more, even if at times that means that my established beliefs will have to be
put unguarded. But ultimately, questioning makes me feel alive.
When I thought curiosity and
inquisition were now considered luxuries, I look back and eager to prove myself
wrong. It isn’t. It’s just one of the goods we choose to disregard at a time
where our minds deceive us that we can only do so much. So I began placing
myself in situations where I am triggered to raise a question mark. I engage
into conversations where I challenge myself to decipher something from – that of
which is a difficult task in itself. Surround myself and develop bonds with people who I know will reinforce a forward compulsion on me. I finally listened to what I am feeling inside and
allow that emotion speak for itself by understanding and documenting the whole
process of knowing why.
Have I met the person I used to
be? Somehow. But it feels like I am in the process of getting to know him
again, and although it is strange and laborious, it is beautiful.
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